‘Forgiveness through CP’
I have been a regular client of Miss Kendal’s for over a year and during that time have enjoyed a growing relationship based around mutual enjoyment, where my punishments in Miss Kendal’s play room have been for no other reason than a need to play, and have fun, albeit painful and submissive fun for me.
However last week I had need to confess to Miss Kendal of some extremely poor behaviour on my part at work. I will spare you all the gory details of my behaviour, but needless to say it was so bad that I was crushed with guilt and embarrassment. I had made amends at work but still this guilt was overwhelming, so I decided to look to Miss Kendal for a solution to my predicament through cathartic punishment. Such was my embarrassment I wasted two opportunities to discuss it with her in person and eventually confessed in a rather cowardly way by email.
Miss Kendal understood my dilemma immediately and responded swiftly and positively, giving me a couple of dates and times with which to attend and be ‘dealt with’, and the arrangements were made.
From the onset this was a very different appointment to usual, I am always very nervous, but this time there was not the usual underlying excitement. I arrived early and sat in my car almost in tears from the crushing guilt and fear of what was to come, regardless of how much I knew I deserved it. At exactly the prescribed time I knocked on Miss Kendal’s door, it opened, no smile, no welcoming banter, I stepped in side my nerves now causing me to feel physically ill, no chatting, I was ordered straight upstairs to disrobe and stand in the centre of the room with my hands on my head and await Miss Kendal. I went straight up the stairs and into the playroom, which was now the punishment room, the vaulting horse was facing me as I opened the door, I quickly stripped and stood facing it with my hands on my head, vulnerable and exposed, waiting. My stomach churned, my mouth became dry, my arms ached, and I waited listening intently for Miss Kendal to come, I heard general movement below me, I was now a quivering wreck, my fear was becoming terror, and still I waited. Then I heard the downstairs door open and steps on the stairs, my terror was now rising from my stomach and into my mouth, the door behind me opened, and I think my heart actually stopped for a moment. Movement behind me, why had I faced this way and not the door? I now didn’t know what was happening in the room behind me, silence again, no more movement, waiting, convinced my heart beat was deafening in the silence.
“Turn around” Miss Kendal’s voice broke the silence, stern and calculated, I turned to face her icy glare, eyes fixed on me, disappointment showing me I had let her down, and let her down badly, my shame grew even greater, I wasn’t sure I could maintain my composure much longer.
“Well? Explain yourself?” again no hint of a smile, cold and calculated, I was now trembling with remorse. I tried to explain, I was sorry, I will never do it again, I couldn’t believe I had let her down so badly! More questions, more apologies, I tried to defend my actions, I shake my head, and I am instantly rebuked and scolded, my eyes were stinging from holding back the tears, more rebuking for my appalling behaviour, I couldn’t look Miss Kendal in the eye, I was so ashamed.
“Well you will be punished, and you will be punished hard, you will not find sub space, and I will hurt you incredibly, but when its finished it will be over and you will be forgiven” Miss Kendal rose to her feet and left the room closing the door behind me. I was now alone, silent, and frightened, the silence was bearing down on me, but I also know that release was close at hand, the time to repent was almost here. I could hear faint movement in the room next door and then the door opened and Miss Kendal returned this time with a wooden paddle and a heavy leather strap in her hands.
“Turn around and bend over” still no compassion in the voice, still cold, still calculated, I turned and bent over the vaulting horse, Miss Kendal moved around to my left and took up position, my breathing quickened, my heart raced, and then came the pain, no warm up, no soft words of encouragement, just pain, and it continued, stroke after stroke with only a brief interlude for Miss Kendal to change from the paddle to the strap. The pain continued, I was now weeping almost uncontrollably, Miss Kendal stopped and for the first time since the pain began she spoke “just 20 more and its over, you will have paid for your behaviour and it need not be mentioned again”, only 20 more, and again it started, but now it seemed even more painful, I tried to count but by the sixth stroke I was unable to keep count, this was pain like I had never imagined, I was unsure I could take any more, but just as suddenly as it had started it stopped, it was over. Silence fell over the room, the only sound was my panting and sobbing, I lay over the vaulting horse thoroughly beaten, broken, weak, and helpless.
“There its over now, you are forgiven” Miss Kendal’s voice broke through, compassion now, caring, considerate, kindness, she helped me from the horse, and guided me to the sofa, I thanked her for what I had just experienced, I already felt a great weight lifted from me, I had been released from my crushing guilt. I sat shaking from a mixture of shock and relief, and Miss Kendal showed the same level of compassion and aftercare as she always did, it was different this time and rightly so, but it was nonetheless compassion and genuine caring, no hurry, just care for my wellbeing and safety. Eventually I had recovered sufficient strength to dress, I was not invited for coffee and a biscuit, but Miss Kendal did satisfy herself that I was sufficiently able to leave safely.
I was shown to the door, a brief hug, a gesture of thanks from me and forgiveness from miss Kendal,and as I worked through the door into the street I felt a bigger man than I had for a long time, I was proud that I had confessed, and that I had taken my punishment, but more importantly I felt truly forgiven!
I would urge anyone who has behaved badly and is ashamed of what they have done to seek forgiveness through CP, and I can think of no better person to do this for you than Miss Kendal!